Beautiful Mess
by shattered petal
Summary: He locked in her dreams, and she locked in his thoughts. As if, neither could last without knowing the other was there, in spirit or physically. -HitsuMatsu


**author's note**: I wanted some HitsuMatsu fluff, so decided to write some. Thanks for reading if you do, and feedback is always appreciated. Note: this is adult!Hitsugaya, so is set quite some time after the manga. Oh, and, uh, I dunno if its cheesy at the end x) I don't do cheesy but I was writing and I didn't know what I was writing, I was just writing and then everything just fell into place, and I wanted to leave it. Never actually written anything so fluffy between these two before.

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**Title**: Beautiful Mess  
**Genre**: Romance  
**Rating**: K+  
**Couple**: HitsuMatsu

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Almost a year ago now, he had ordered her into the Material World for a mission. Sometimes, but rarely, do such missions extend for a long period of time. Tōshirō Hitsugaya was very good at planning missions ahead, particularly for his subordinates. When he said farewell to her, he expected Matsumoto to return within a week. One week turned into two, then a month, then three months. It continued on, until it looked as if she wasn't coming back. Unfortunately Hitsugaya wasn't allowed to visit her much. Once every two months was appropriate, more than that and people would start to raise brows.

However Tōshirō was a very busy man, and he rarely got to see her. If they were lucky, he would bump into her during a mission of his own, but he couldn't hang around. This happened three times, and each time before he left, he could tell she wasn't happy. After a while, it got quite lonely. She sometimes had Orihime to accompany her, meet other Human friends, but she couldn't stay. The Hollows she was identifying across a specific country were becoming harder to trace. Her work was doubled when the authorities decided to pass on further missions to her, seeing as she was in the Material World anyway. It was an irritation for Hitsugaya, but he couldn't say anything. This was her duty.

The Captain missed her Birthday. He tried to send a Birthday card to her which was a failure. Soon, it was Winter, and the nights were coming in faster. Nothing felt right anymore. It didn't take long for him to miss her, even if this shamed him. He missed how she brightened up his office. Now, his office was dim, empty except for him. Looking out of the window, he watched the snow gently fall to the ground, and he sighed, pressing his forehead against the glass. How much he _adored_ Winter. But, he preferred Winter when she was around, when she was near. Turning, he looked at her vacant desk, noted how it was beginning to pick up dust.

Exhaling slowly, he closed his eyes. The Tenth Division was not a Division without its Vice-Captain, a warrior was useless without his shield. And Hitsugaya wanted his shield back, wanted _her_ back. It was silly: she had only been gone a year. To him, though, a year felt like an eternity. A year was too long. The Captain would be content in letting her leave for six months tops, but _twelve_? That wasn't work. That was labour. While he tended to push himself, the Gotei was certainly pushing Matsumoto with this ongoing mission.

Never had he felt this way before. Never had he felt so lonely in his life, even though Shinigami walked in and out of his office every day. He missed finding her in the office, lying on the sofa, sleeping. He missed her slacking, the way she excused herself from work without having done anything. He missed her, her lovely, warm smiles, playful hugs. How she teased him, prodded at his chest, criticised him for working too hard. He missed the joy in her vibrant blue eyes, how they transformed into a hurricane, full of rage and anger, but cooled with a vibrant love. That was what she was: love. Rangiku was the very essence of it, and she showered him with her warmth. He was never too cold with her around, and she never too warm. Together, they were one piece, an army of their own.

He would never admit how she made him happy. Only now did he realise. During her absence, he was aware of his mood dropping, aware that he wasn't happy anymore. It was funny how one realised what they had only when it was gone. Rangiku was his happiness, and she was gone, no more. He was no longer happy, and Man required happiness to live, to breathe, to look at the world and admire its beauty. Tōshirō could no longer watch the snow fall, melt in his hair. He could no longer love the earth around him, not without her. Not without his happiness, not without the sun.

So ironic. The Captain loathed the sun, and, yet, he _craved_ hers.

Some fellow Captains suggested he found a new Vice-Captain, for it might be a while until Rangiku returned. Hitsugaya shook his head, refusing. There wasn't any other Lieutenant he wanted. Rangiku was _perfect_ for him, and there couldn't be anyone else. She managed to peel away the mask so tightly gripped around his rough face, managed to find warmth in his heart, unlike anyone else he had met. She was soft, gentle, wonderful. Her flaws were beautiful to him, the scars merely a symbol of survival. She was a survivor of so many things, so many tortures and agonies. Hitsugaya was proud to have her beside him, she was a warrior in the purest sense. Mercy was not something she offered on a whim to her enemies, but forgiveness, if appropriate, was given at the right time. She was strong enough to do that, unlike he.

According to Tōshirō, a true soldier didn't look back on what he had. However, he found himself breaking the rule. For the past few months, he had been confused, puzzled and frustrated. There was a reason he kept heading for the training room, exercising until he was so exhausted he could barely _think_. There was a reason he caught himself buying daffodils on occasion, placing them at her desk, not as a gift, but, more, a reminder. Matsumoto was going to return, the daffodils –– the symbol of their Division –– always as bright as she, lightening the room. He would look at the daffodils, but he wouldn't smile. Though the daffodils reflected her warmth, the shine she possessed everywhere she walked, they, of course, didn't possess every quality about her. When petals began to fall, a shattered image of her wounds, he would always bury the plant, buy another. Some asked why he kept daffodils at her desk, what was the point. Tōshirō refused to answer, because he didn't quite know himself.

There was a reason he stayed up at night, her in his thoughts. There was a reason he thought about how miserable she became after Gin's death, how it made his heart squeeze. There was a reason he breathed, smiled a little, when she managed to pull through her misery, pursue a new, fresh future. There was a reason he hated every single man who tried to flirt with her, because none of them were good enough. In a way, she didn't deserve the gentleman who treated her right, she was so... so _selfish_, greedy, but–– but she wasn't. Not really. She didn't mean to be. He couldn't blame her for how she behaved, couldn't blame the men who approached her.

Only _he_ was to blame. Only Tōshirō could look at _himself_ and scowl. The man was much too proud, much too stubborn. He never said anything to her, never mentioned Ichimaru, never spoke about how she was feeling. Never. Hitsugaya was very cold, unloving, he expressed no sense of affection. When people were around him, they weren't happy; they were miserable. When Rangiku was around him, she seemed to brighten, always looking at him as if they hadn't met in years. He was _that special_ to her. Why did it take him so _long_ to acknowledge that? Why did she have to be gone for so long, for him to realise? Why couldn't she come back _now_? Now he knew, now he understood –– sort of –– couldn't she come back?

A year passed, more months. Suddenly, he had a phone call from her, and she was in a state, apologising constantly for missing his Birthday, for not wishing him a Merry Christmas. But he didn't care. Hearing her voice, was lovely. _Her_ voice was lovely, and he just wished she would keep rambling, keep talking about nonsense, but there was so little time. He told her it was okay, he was used to people missing his Birthday, which she didn't take well. After a promise she would celebrate it with him, she hung up, and Tōshirō was left alone again.

It was hearing her voice which kept him going throughout the week, but his mood dropped when he discovered more missions were to be sent her way. Four Hollows had been identified. How much he wanted to scream, to _refuse_. She was _his_ Lieutenant, and no one else's! And _he_ wanted her back, right now, but that would cost him his job. Not only would he hate to lose his career, but so would Matsumoto so, for both of them, he kept her in the Material World. With sheer, bitter reluctance. By now, he had stopped placing daffodils at his desk. He wasn't well, he couldn't sleep, and he was restless. The Captain spent time with Hinamori, and she managed to cheer his mood up a little, but even she knew she couldn't fix him, fill in the hole.

Tōshirō wondered how Rangiku would react to his symptoms. Would she laugh, hug him, and tell him he was being silly? Or did she, perhaps, feel the exact same way? Did she miss him too? Did she spend night after night, thinking of him? There was an old Japanese myth that, if one couldn't sleep, it was because they were in another's dream. Hitsugaya hadn't slept in days and, although he knew it was a stupid myth, he wondered if, maybe, he was in her dreams. That would explain why he couldn't sleep. He locked in her dreams, and she locked in his thoughts. As if, neither could last without knowing the other was there, in spirit or physically.

More months, and she was gone for nearly two years. He wanted to call her, make sure she was all right, to tell her he was going to bring her back as soon as possible. That he would happily bring her back with him, that he would shove his work aside, travel into the Material World, find her, hold her, and never let go. Tightening his grip on the pen, he inhaled sharply, before releasing a shaky exhale. It was very clear what was wrong, why he was this way. He missed her dearly, missed her so much he could _feel_ his heart breaking. The cold man was no longer cold, not against the sun. For the sun, so powerful, _so warm_, managed to melt the ice, melt his cold, hard heart. Make him Human, make him succumb to his emotions. How weak. How... How very _right_.

It was the end of September when he was finally given the approval. Tōshirō didn't waste a second, ordering Rangiku to return to Soul Society as soon as she could. Originally, he was going to meet her, to finally see her after so long, but was stopped short when he remembered there was a meeting in an hour. That meant he wasn't able to see her when she arrived. Infuriated, he forced himself to attend the meeting, but when he was there, he was impatient, restless. He couldn't concentrate. All he could think about was Rangiku, whether she was okay, if she was looking for him. He wanted to find her, that was all he wanted. Just her.

When the meeting ended, he escaped the room instantly, abandoning the rest of his work and tried to find his Lieutenant. He could sense her spiritual pressure, feel her warmth, cuddling him close, and he followed the trail, followed her reiastu. Of course, she had been waiting for him, in the office. Tōshirō stopped at the doorway, and, for the first time, smiled at her. The excitement she expressed couldn't be ignored, and he happily let her dash over and wrap her arms around him, embracing him tightly. He could tell she was smiling, ear-to-ear, ridiculously overjoyed to meet him. This wasn't anything unusual. Even if she were gone a week, she would still respond the same way. However, Hitsugaya probably wouldn't have hugged her as tightly, wouldn't have been so flustered when she pulled away.

'Hello,' he said, voice blunt, expression straight. Yet, inside, he was bursting. Loving her smile, loving her near him. He noticed a couple of grazes across her cheeks, but barely gave himself time to inspect. Tōshirō leaned forwards and kissed her lips. It was natural, just to do this. Something he should have done a long time ago. Both were a bit stumped, though, and the kiss lasted a little more than three seconds, but he could barely breathe when he pulled away.

Finally, Tōshirō could see her properly. Rangiku looked exhausted, and injuries were clear across her face, but she still looked brilliant to him. She was blushing a little, surprised Hitsugaya had acted so forward. To receive a hug from him was one thing, but a kiss? 'Are you all right?' She teased, pressing a hand to his forehead.

'I am now,' he replied.

She was hugging him again, this time their embrace softer, and she rested her head against his shoulder. Despite his chilly touch, she finally felt comfortable, felt at ease, and she would have fallen asleep if they weren't standing. 'You'd better not leave me out there for that long again, baka Taichou!'

Tōshirō rolled his eyes, but couldn't wipe away the crooked smile. Words couldn't describe how _happy_ he was, how she managed to brighten the world around him. It was uncertain how his confidence managed to boost, but he had the courage to kiss her lips again, longer this time. She placed both hands at either side of his face, affectionately trailing a thumb across his cheek. Answers and questions were no longer required. It couldn't be clearer that she had missed him too, felt the same way, allowed her emotions to sort themselves out in each other's absence.

Sighing, he broke their kiss, 'You're not going anywhere right now,' he whispered against her lips. It was seemingly out of character for him to act so affectionately, but only Rangiku observed, and she was only one who deserved to see him like this. 'By the way, Happy Birthday.'

'Mm~' He noticed how her eyes smiled with her lips, the tinge of red across her cheeks, how she looked so much better with him. Already, the fatigue was beginning to wash away, she looked healthier, happier, and so did he. Both each other's remedy, fixing the gaps, bandaging the injuries, and kissing the scars. 'It _is_ a Happy Birthday for me.' There was no one else she would rather spend it with, no other gift she would rather have than him. 'Hope you didn't miss me too much, Taichou,' she flicked his nose. 'Although obviously you did.'

Tōshirō pulled a face. 'I managed well without you. For one, I got more work done while you were away. Plus, it's been less stressful.'

Rangiku sighed impatiently, and pouted.

'––But, I suppose it would have been nicer if you were around.'

That was as good as it was going to get. Rolling her eyes, she kissed his cheek. 'I missed you.' She brought her arms around his neck, and hugged him again.

Clueless as to _what_ she missed about him, Hitsugaya returned the embrace, now feeling much calmer, much more content. 'The paperwork missed you as well, as did the meetings which were held. Due to your absence, the paperwork pile has risen––'

'Taichou!' Rangiku exclaimed, staring at him in disbelief, mood dropping at once.

Then he snorted. 'You're an idiot. Of _course_ I did it all for you, but that's the only time I will. From now on, I expect perfect attendance, and _satisfactory_ reports.'

The freedom she had to share affection seemed to be working in her favour. Rangiku kissed his lips twice, earning an annoyed groan from her superior. 'You'll be very satisfied by the end, Taichou.'

'I'm sure.'

She snuggled into him. 'I'm starving- missed the food here. Are you going to pay for my meal?'

'What?' Tōshirō retorted. Pay for _her_? Was she serious? 'My wallet isn't exactly heavy with money, Matsumoto.' Looking at her, he did find it hard to turn down the request. She had done a lot, and he _had_ missed her. He sighed. 'Fine, but nothing expensive.'

'Pfft, you're so grumpy. You're like an old man.'

... _Excuse me?_

'I'm not an old man,' he muttered, 'And I'm _not_ grumpy.' It was hard to glare at her when she was smiling like that. Together, they headed outside into the breezy weather, and he held her close to him, as if uncertain she might disappear again for months. His lips still tingled from when they kissed, and he was even trembling a little. Emotions were peculiar, especially ones as powerful as these.

Still, for her, it was all worth it.

Because even though she was fractured and he lacked sympathy, even though she was his opposite, the fire to the blizzard, he wasn't anyone but himself with her. She brought out the Tōshirō, the Human side of him, and embraced him, welcomed him, and loved him. Two broken pieces, brought together by fate, and created as one. A beautiful mess.

'How long did it take you to realise?' She asked, later that evening.

It was clear what she was referring to, and he smiled a little, for her. People always assumed him to be this confident, bright and strong man, when, in fact, he was very _normal_. How long did it take him to realise she meant something to him, that he was useless without her, that he he had always belonged to her?

A whisper. 'Long enough.'


End file.
